life lessons for the frosh

hello friends it’s AUGUST and that means a Return To School. Since I am now your friendly neighborhood Seasoned College Veteran, I wanted to give you all the life lessons I learned as a freshman/sophomore in college so whether you’re going off to college for the first time or are returning for your super senior year, you don’t make the mistakes I did (do).

Do not buy the 48 pack of bargain cheese sticks from Walmart just because you like cheese sticks and figure buying in discount bulk will be a more economical decision. The bargain cheese sticks are disgusting and now you have to eat 48 of them before they expire. That’s about 2 a day, don’t worry, I did the math for you.

Do make your bed or else your freshman year roommate will bring her aunts who are visiting for the weekend over and respond to your gesture of welcome/pretend show of cleanliness with a genuinely surprised sounding, “Oh! You made the bed!” which obviously ruins the illusion that you’re an adult who doesn’t live in filth.

Continuing along this theme, do not create a Charlie the Unicorn-style candy mountain of laundry on the floor of your dorm or your sophomore year roommate who actually doesn’t know how to be sarcastic will come home and say, “Oh! You can see the floor!” and actually mean it.

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SORRY ABOUT THE BRA

Don’t dislike people for being pretty and shallow looking. Get to know them first so you can dislike them for real reasons.

Don’t make constant jokes about making out or people (your friends) will think you’re actually obsessed with making out and then you will have to Uncomfortably Reveal that you have never kissed anyone and you will also have to endure every vaguely dirty joke being followed by “hahaha this made me think of [your name]” when you also actually don’t have a dirty sense of humor, you’re just Awkward and Alone. Really. Don’t do this.

Do wear whatever you want even if your guy friends tell you red lipstick is intimidating and makes men afraid. Wear more red lipstick. Wear it as eyeliner. Write ‘Man Eater’ with it across your forehead. Then stop wearing it because you got lazy and are tired of ingesting lipstick at every meal.

Do not be envious of your neighbor’s pinterest-perfect dorm décor. Even if you did have that you wouldn’t be able to appreciate it because you’re a massive disgusting slob and can’t keep your room clean for ten seconds.

Do wash your dishes within 24 hours of using them. Otherwise your dorm will have an open house and the remains of your lentil dinner and your roommate’s oatmeal will be percolating in the sink, “soaking” and vaguely resembling diarrhea for all the prospective inhabitants of your dorm to see. You will not discover this, you will be sent a picture of it while you’re at orchestra rehearsal and can’t do anything about it except shout your roommate’s name at the sky like Kirk in The Wrath of Khan.

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do you think this is a flipping joke

Do not ask your friends to grab your laundry out the dryer for you. You will return home to underwear draped on your doorknob and all of your underwear and socks wedged, hung, and hidden in every crevice of your room, and you will continue finding socks until the day you move out.

Just be warned that if you wear a pair of giant 80s grandma glasses with no lenses in them people will make fun of you and then hypocritically take selfies in them because they actually look good. This episode prefigures your ironic fashion blog, which then prefigures you earnestly dressing like your ironic fashion blog, which is only embarrassing if you allow it to be.

If your roommate plays the same album on loop for a solid week there is a chance you will wake up in the middle of the night and wake her up tell her she left her music playing and she will direct you to her closed laptop and you will insist on putting your ear to it anyway and then when that fails, wandering down the hall to discover the source of the music, only to ultimately realize that you are having a psychotic episode and the whole thing is in your head.

Don’t send this selfie to your mom. Just kidding. Do it. This is the greatest photo of you ever taken. You want this photo on your TOMBSTONE.

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Do make friends with freshmen when you’re a sophomore. Do not go around informing all your peers about the Newfangled Slang you’re picking up from the freshmen by awkwardly yelling, “FIRE CLAPBACK, ABBY.”

Learn how to communicate with adults/strangers in a way that does not involve making thumbs up and grimacing until they feel uncomfortable and leave.

Anyway those are the things I’ve learned in my time at college, hope they’re helpful and super relevant!!! Best of luck!!

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p.s. for the love of god, learn to take of normal selfie for your mother’s sake at least
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