This is me. This is me with a new haircut and glasses that I have to wear because I ran out of contacts and my contacts prescription is overdue. This is me looking a little like a female John Lennon. This is me taking a dumb selfie wearing lipstick I like. This post is me reasserting why I like myself. This is me grappling insecurity and what it means to be ‘cool’.
I am the kind of person who loves to underline, annotate, and dog-ear her books.
I am the kind of person who appreciates art.
I am the kind of person who genuinely appreciates proper football (soccer) without understanding it as well as I’d like. I am the kind of person who sees the beauty of the game.
I am the kind of person who gets really excited over making a nature/bird-watching journal but unfortunately can’t draw.
I am the kind of person who denies being a hipster but secretly enjoys the hipster persona.
I am the kind of person who is a miserable driver and doesn’t make much effort to fix that because being a miserable driver is an interesting character trait.
I am the kind of person who consistently puts her foot in her mouth.
I am the kind of person who likes to see things as metaphors.
I am the kind of person who stresses over Instagram much more than Instagram deserves.
I am the kind of person who likes to be fashionable but is so lazy that she is either far too overdressed or wearing jeans and a t-shirt with toothpaste on it.
I am the kind of person who struggles to live in the moment.
I am the kind of person who needs to learn that happiness and success aren’t dependent on location.
I am the kind of person who is making her own life.
I am the kind of person who is independent and aims high.
I am the kind of person who wants to make a positive change.
I am the kind of person who always wants to learn.
I am the kind of person who wants adventure and to explore the world.
I am the kind of person who is going to pursue her dreams and do all those things she aims for. I am strong-willed and stubborn and
I wouldn’t want to be anyone else.
If these qualities were in a list describing the main character of an indie film or read aloud against a backdrop of arty music, they would seem interesting and cool. But as it is they’re my qualities. I either learn to love them or I constantly live in a state of self-doubt. I can overthink everything I do, or I can just live and enjoy who I am and enjoy the things that I enjoy without being self-conscious of it. I can read a book or watch a football match without making some sort of Instagram post about it (one of those impossible ones where you somehow manage to take a picture of your hand holding a coffee mug and your legs—how do people do that?). I used to talk about the hipster persona with my friend Rose and she would say that you can’t be concerned about cultivating a persona, you just have to like what you like and then that’s how it seems.
Cool people are people who like themselves. I like myself—or I’m working on that, anyway. In anyone else, I’d think my qualities were cool. Because they’re mine, it’s a struggle.
This blog has apparently become an outlet for me to spew about my battle with insecurity, so I apologize if that’s becoming boring. But like I said from the start, the point of this blog is me learning to live in the moment. Part of living in the moment is accepting who you are and not constantly looking to who you could be or want to be. Living in the moment means not overanalyzing how you look or how you’re perceived. It means enjoying what you’re doing. It means not being overly conscious of your own skin. It means being the kind of person who likes herself.
The painting at the top of this post is a Rothko. I like Rothko a lot. Look him up.