waiting

I have my last final at 1:30. I don’t feel like I can prepare for it any more, but I don’t feel ready for it either. I’m in this weird in-between state that I have to reduce to just ‘waiting’. I am waiting. To do well? To do poorly? I don’t know. Honestly the study guide was vague and I wonder if it’s left something out; the exam looming is unknown territory—I’ve done all I can but at this point I don’t know if that’s enough.

I feel the same way about going home tomorrow. I haven’t been home from college yet and I’ve heard mixed reviews on the experience. Some of my friends say it’s weird and some say it feels completely normal. My English professor told me that now is the time that most college students realize “home is a place you visit”. I’m nervous about it. I know it will be good in some ways—I miss my family, my friends, my dogs… And my family is one that doesn’t translate well over the phone, or maybe it’s just that I am not good at phone communication. Either way, I’m happy to go back and get to be with them all in the way they are normally: funny and caring and nice to be around.

Mostly.

I will also go back to all of the things that drove me insane before I left home, and chances are they will be worse since I’m no longer used to them. I’m worried about this a lot. I know it’s important to my family that I come home and express a desire to continue to be a part of my family; I can’t just grump off and hide when things get annoying. But I’m not good at being patient with other people, it’s probably my biggest flaw.

I just don’t know what it will be like. Will it be like I never left? Will it be like I never lived there at all? Will I belong, will I not belong? Will everything be different or will everything be achingly, stiflingly the same?

The bigger question is this: will home have been what changed? Or me? Have I changed? I don’t know… I feel like maybe I have, but then I feel like I’m stuck in this rut of my terrible personality that I’ll never be able to change. Maybe when I go home I’ll be able to figure that out, but for right now I’m just waiting.

Waiting, waiting, waiting.

I should probably quit that and start packing.

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